Scene: Psychiatrist’s office, day. We see Professor Van Winklehorn, a sterorypical psychiatrist type, probably with a hammy Germanic accent, sat in a large leather armchair, relaxed, idly clutching a pen and notepad. He appears to be consulting a tiny DS cart which is placed upon a couch.

Professor: So, Henry…

Henry: Don’t call me Henry. My name’s Henry Hatsworth in the Puzzling Adventure. Please use my full name.

Professor: Shut up, we’re not being paid by the word here. Why have you come to see me today?

Henry: I really don’t know.

[sotto voce] Yes you do.

I was simply minding my own business in the gentleman’s club when a peculiar feeling came over me and next thing I know I’m in a padded cell.

You stabbed ten people with a fountain pen. And then attempted to have intercourse with Mrs. Heldegard, the club owner.

Prof: Henry, are you aware you’re talking a lot under your breath?  

Henry: No, but then I didn’t really understand the stage direction.

Prof:Aha. I think you have a classic case of personality disorder. Behind your gentlemanly veneer lies a sociopathic secret identity, acting of its own volition.

Henry:That can’t possibly be true. I’ve never had a history of mental illness. I only had a Freudian slip once. Fell on a banana skin and [expletive deleted] my mother.

Prof: What?

Henry: Never mind.

Prof: We’ll have to get to the bottom of this. Let’s get to know each other a bit more. Tell me about yourself.

Henry:Well, I’m glad you asked. I’m a totally original concept in gaming. I use the two screens on the DS in a most innovative way, with the top housing a lively platform adventure with combat and puzzle solving, and the bottom being a frenetic block swapping game. When you defeat the enemy in my top screen, he appears at the bottom, and you have to dispose of him in the puzzle lest he come back to the adventure in evil block form. You can gain power ups in one world that affect the other. I’m totally unique.

Bad Henry: Except that despite my platforming and combat being competently handled, I don’t try anything new, and my puzzle elements amount to no more than simple match three gameplay. I’m trying to kiss up to the pompous innovation crowd but exploiting tropes done a thousand times before.

Prof: I see. Presumably it must be difficult for you to balance your twin game styles?

Henry: I do my best. When in puzzle mode, a timer counts down so you have to think fast before you’re brought back to the platforming action. If you do well in the puzzle, I’ll reward you with a mechanised suit that really does some damage in my combat sections, so you’re encouraged to play both.

Bad Henry: I make sure that none of it feels like a cohesive whole though. Apart from some pithy comments near the start, I never explain why I’m making you do the puzzle, and I conspire as much as possible to ruin your flow in any one of my modes. If you’re on a tear in combat, the monsters being killed and appearing on the bottom screen mean I force you to do block based housekeeping to stop you being too involved. If you’re thinking too long in the puzzle, I’ll boot you out. You can buy perks so that you spend more time in my puzzle, but that reduces the combat to clearing blocks away until you get the mecha suit and then breezing through the enemies.

Prof: Bad Henry makes it seem there’s not much of a challenge to you. Is that so?

Henry:Who are you talking about? Anyway, that’s not the case at all. Once you get past my tutorials I’m a really tough challenge. In mecha suit form, you’re not agile enough to perform the platforming elements, so you can’t just breeze through them. I take you through varied environments and challenge you with a wide variety of enemies with their own attack patterns.

Bad Henry: That I ensure to put in awkward places, like on the edge of  a platform you’re trying to reach that’s at too awkward an angle to hit with a gun, and too far to hit with your cane or sword so that there’s no way to reach the platform without taking damage. I’m as old school as can be like that. There’s a time around world two when I stop guiding you through stuff and let you enjoy my mechanics, playing me at a decent pace, then WHAM! I hit you with a difficulty spike so sharp you won’t be walking right for weeks. I even have leaps of faith. See if you like that, bumface.

Prof: I can’t treat you, Henry, unless you treat me with respect. Can you give me any reason why I shouldn’t have you committed forever?

Henry: I don’t understand! What have I done wrong? My intentions are so good, and I’ve got the best sense of character in any game for a long time. My dialogue is funny, my protagonist charming, and I have you really looking forward to my brief cutscenes introducing my boss battles because my art direction and character design is so quirky and likable. I have the sort of tongue in cheek charm that is rarely seen nowadays.

Bad Henry: Did I tell you the best part, doc? With my difficulty spikes and long levels, one stage will typically take you just over an hour to complete once you get halfway through me. Even though I have checkpoints that let you keep going where you leave off if you lose a life, I don’t save until the end of a stage, which means despite being a handheld game, I ensure that I’m impossible to play on the train or bus unless you like playing the same stage over and over. You like that? Yeah you do bumface.

Prof: I warned  you Henry..

Bad Henry: Enough talk! Stabby time!

[Henry produces a fountain pen, seemingly from nowhere, and leaps at the professor. a crowd of orderlies burst in the room and seal the cart in a Ziploc bag, before taking it out the room.]

Prof: Wow, what a weird case. Patient seems likable and has plenty of positive elements that makes it hard for me to recommend a lifetime in psychiatric care, and yet it has violent mood swings. Let’s release it under the short lived EA Casual label so that any marketing it gets will be levelled at a non gaming audience, whereas it’s hardcore nature means it can’t possibly appeal to that crowd, and no-one will buy it. Phew.

Henry Hatsworth trailer